Crossfire
by Numbatstuff
Summary: In the aftermath of the argument, Jacob & Rachel are both looking for answers. Follows on from The Beginning of The End.
1. Jacob

Jacob is not in a good place right now – I apologise that this story is so heavy on dialogue and short on action, but sometimes things really need to be talked about. This is the first of 3 chapters and follows on from The Beginning of The End.

And because he's hurting, Jacob has turned to the Boss for his thumping drums and fabulous lyrics to help him feel a little better.

Soundtrack: Badlands – Bruce Springsteen

Well lights out tonight, trouble in the heartland

Got a head on collision smashing in my guts man

I'm caught in a crossfire that I don't understand

* * *

"Oh my lord Jacob, I can't believe you asked for your keys back!"

He shrugged. "I only asked for the car keys. I mean, what did she need them for, she'd just wrecked the car. I did let her keep the house keys."

"I hope you realise what a complete bastard you were," she frowned. "The poor girl had just had a car accident, you flew completely off the handle at her and in your next breath you tell her to turn around and give up her career just because she mistakenly opened the door to Felix. It's not like she did it on purpose."

He shook his head. "But it was only a matter of time. It was obvious that something was going to have to change at some point. It's been on my mind for weeks."

"Jacob, just because you've been thinking about it for weeks doesn't mean that she's been thinking about it for weeks. There's no one I know who thinks as much as you do."

He sighed and pulled her in closer to his side, kissed the top of her head. Inhaled the fragrance of her silky black hair. He stretched out his body languidly on the bed, felt his muscles pull apart, felt the stirring in his groin.

"You know what stops me thinking don't you," he whispered into her ear.

"Don't start trying to seduce me Jacob. You know what that whisper in my ear does to me. Anyhow, I'm still not sure how you convinced me to lay on this bed with you when there's a perfectly good armchair over there."

"Mmmm," he purred. "I can be very convincing."

She turned towards him and ran her hand gently down his cheek. "You know I love you Jacob, but we've been here before and it didn't work. This can't be the place that you run to every time you're hurting."

He sighed, "I know Anna, but we're so good together."

"Great sex doesn't make a relationship though. You know I'm just saving you from yourself. You know you don't really want to sleep with me."

He raised his eyebrows, "I wouldn't be so sure about that."

"You need to stop thinking with your cock, Jacob. That's what got you here in the first place. I honestly think you and Rachel could have had a sensible discussion that night if it hadn't been for the bourbon and the sex. Really, I would have expected so much more from a man like you."

"Sometimes people don't live up to your expectations i guess," he shrugged. "But everything's just so easy when I'm with you Anna, and it's all just so hard when I'm with her."

"That's because you don't love me Jacob. You don't have anything at stake when you're with me."

"But don't you remember how fantastic it was," he whispered, touching her ear with his lips.

She turned onto her side, moved closer into him, resting her head on his chest. "Oh, I'll never forget how great it was sleeping with you. But I'll also never forget how you broke my heart, twice. I've never been more attracted to a man than I am to you, you know that Jacob, you know you drive me wild, but you chose Maggie over me years ago and you chose Rachel over me a few months ago and I'm not putting myself through that trauma again."

"Its just sex Anna."

"If it was just sex I'd do it all again in a heartbeat." She toyed with the buttons on his shirt. "But if I sleep with you, I'll fall for you all over again. And I'm not subjecting myself to that. I already love you too much; I can't share physical intimacy with you as well. And I think you're kidding yourself if you think that sex with me is what you really want."

She ran her hand down his shirt to his dress pants and squeezed his hard groin tightly, "But I swear you are the devil sent to tempt me Jacob Hood."

He winced. "Do that again Anna and I'll have your knees around your ears before you can blink"

"I think we should go down to the bar and talk there," she whispered. "If we lay on this bed any longer, we'll end up doing something that we'll both regret."

"I wouldn't regret it," he murmured.

"Yes you would. You're just hurting because Rachel won't fall at your feet and give up her independence for you. She's damaged your precious male ego and you're still angry with her. But you would regret sleeping with me when you get back to her and look her in the eyes. You know you would."

"Remind me again why we're friends Professor Yang. Because sometimes I sure as hell can't remember." He dug her in the ribs playfully and swung his legs over the side of the bed. "Come on then, let's go and grab some dinner. If you won't have sex with me, I think I'll have a big steak and a cold beer instead."

******

As they stood alone in the elevator heading down to the ground floor restaurant, he looked at her reflection in the mirrored walls.

"You do look beautiful tonight," he commented, eyeing her tall slim body in her elegant coffee coloured dress. Her olive skin was glowing and her long black hair hung seductively down her back.

"Flattery will get you absolutely nowhere Jacob, you know that," she said raising her eyebrows at him. "You on the other hand, are looking a little bit dishevelled."

He laughed, looking at his tousled hair in the mirror, and his creased blue shirt and black dress pants. "I didn't even put my jacket on before we left."

She thought he looked sexy as he always did, but as far as she was concerned he could wear an old sack and still look gorgeous. She knew he had that easy natural sexiness that only a handsome, self-assured man could pull off.

She couldn't help but lean over and kiss him on the cheek, and he smiled. As the elevator doors opened he lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it, then hand in hand they walked into the restaurant, the very picture of an attractive, happy couple.

******

After being seated, they ordered some drinks and chatted about work for a while. They ordered their meals, and she asked him about his upcoming trip to Geneva. He'd just arranged two weeks leave to work on a short research project at The Large Hadron Collider at CERN with an old colleague from France. He'd had some brief involvement in its design and implementation over the many years that it took to get it up and running, and he explained to her the details of the project.

"This is exactly the kind of thing I'd like to start working on if I left the job," he commented. "Pure research is such an escape from FBI work. Everyone is so pleasant for a start. And no one carries a gun."

She laughed. "I don't understand why Rachel isn't going with you though. Are you not still an FBI asset even when you're on leave."

He shook his head, "apparently not. She was already booked to do some training course or other with Felix, weapons and ballistics or some nonsense. I offered to bring her along with me for a holiday but she said she needed to do this training. But I think she was just happy to be rid of me."

"And is the feeling mutual?

"Well, to be quite honest, yes, I think it is at the moment."

"And you've hardly spoken a word to each other for 4 days?"

He shook his head grimly. "No, I spent the night on the couch then went to try and get the car sorted out, and she said she needed to head back to DC. When I got back to the house she'd left. I spoke to her and Felix briefly on Monday morning to let them know I'd decided to take this trip, I asked her then if she wanted to come but she just blew me off, said the training was important. And we haven't spoken since."

She sighed and toyed with her wine glass. "Now, tell me the whole story again Jake. Because I can't quite believe that a man who's seemingly as evolved as you are could behave so appallingly."

"Hey, I resent that remark Anna. Rachel got everything that was coming to her." He rubbed his face with one hand then ran his fingers through his hair. "It's like she wasn't even sorry. She just barrelled in, efficiently told me that she'd written off my car, span me some crap about dropping a bag of fucking candy and then told me that Felix has known about us for days but she apparently never found the need to inform me or talk to him about it."

The waiter came and delivered their meals. "Thanks," Jacob nodded at him, "Then she told me she thought everything would be ok 'til the FBI found out, and happily said that she's ready to go off and be someone else's handler because I get on her nerves. And all the time she's talking, she's cracking jokes as though our entire relationship falling apart is just some big fucking laugh to her."

"Some people use humour to deflect stress, you do realise that don't you Jake?" she looked at him with concern, her forkful of pasta halfway to her mouth.

"It wasn't like that though Anna. I only did what I did because she stayed there, talking & talking but never listening." He frowned, cutting into his steak, "I needed her to be quiet or at least to say something that actually had some meaning. I needed her to see that this work issue is actually serious. And I needed her to understand how angry I was about my car."

"Did you tell her the truth?"

"What, that the corvette was my wedding present to Maggie? No, I've never mentioned that to her. I try not to bring up Maggie too much. I think it's probably bad enough that I still wear the pearl, without telling her about the car." He absentmindedly touched the blue grey pearl hanging around his neck as he spoke.

"Have you thought about taking it off?"

"I haven't taken it off for 7 years Anna. It's my last real link to her. Especially now. They said the corvette would take 8 weeks to fix." He shrugged, "but they'd need to virtually rebuild it. It's not going to be the original car it was. So in a way, it won't be hers any more. It'll be a different car, it'll just be mine."

"You really need to tell Rachel why it meant so much to you. It might help her to understand your overreaction."

"I didn't overreact Anna. It was her attitude that pissed me off."

She sighed. "Do you really think that seducing her like that was the responsible thing to do though?"

"She could have walked away at any time, I wanted her to walk away Anna. I wanted her to fight me but she let me control her. She let me control her completely and utterly. And i hated it, i hated her for letting me do it. I never thought she would be so weak."

"Now that's just not fair Jacob. She's only weak when it comes to you. The rest of the time she's exceptionally strong. Why would you punish her for being so in love with you."

"Mmm, she's in love with sex and candy I think. But not in love with me enough to understand why I can't bear seeing her in danger."

"Now listen to me Jake," Anna looked at him intently, putting down her fork. "I know you didn't want to talk to me professionally after Maggie died. I know you don't want me to analyse you, but I have to butt in now. This is just crazy. You're just going to end up pushing Rachel away and that's going to absolutely destroy you, and I can't watch that happen again."

"Oh, you've already said enough I think Anna," he snorted. "What was that about my precious male ego. I don't think I can listen to you telling me what an idiot I am any more. I still think we'd be better off just having sex."

She frowned at him. "Is that really why you came Jacob? Really? Is that why you came up with this bizarre plan of flying from DC to Switzerland via California to see Tanner, when really it was just so you could cheat on the woman you love? Because if you truly came here just to have sex with me then lets go back up to your room right now and do it. Because you know how I feel about you, how I felt about you long before you married Maggie and you know that deep down there's nothing that I'd rather have happen than for you to split up with Rachel and move back here to be with me. You know that."

He sighed. Emptied his beer glass, poured himself a glass of red and topped up her wine. He looked at her.

"I don't really know why I came. I'm sorry." He shook his head. "I know we decided that this wasn't going to work twice before." He stared into his glass. "I don't want to mess with your head, Anna. That's never been my aim. I've already screwed up Rachel's I think. I just needed to be close to you and Tanner and Maggie for a while."

Her face softened. "Oh Jacob, surely you realise that being here with me and Tanner doesn't make you closer to Maggie." She reached over and touched his cheek. "I want you to listen to me now. Just give me this one evening with you, to talk to you properly, to try and help you through this and then I'll mind my own business. I can't bear seeing you tearing yourself apart like this again."

He looked into her eyes, exhaled slowly. "One evening, that's all".

"OK." She took his hand in hers. "This is going to be hard for you to hear Jacob, but I don't think you've forgiven yourself for not being able to save Maggie." He shook his head, tried to pull his hand away, but she wouldn't let it go.

"Listen to me. I'm not letting you run away again. You need to hear this. Intellectually Jacob, you understand that there was nothing you could do. Intellectually, you know that thousands of people die of cancer every day. Intellectually, you know that you need to move on, intellectually, you know that you need to get on with your life."

"But emotionally, you are still a complete mess. Emotionally, you are still beating yourself up for not protecting her. For not being able to save her. Emotionally, you haven't accepted that you couldn't protect her. And until you accept that it was _never_ your job to protect her in the first place, you will never, ever be able to move on."

"But she was my wife Anna, it _was_ my job to protect her."

"You can't protect people from death Jacob. Even the people you love. You can wrap Rachel in cotton wool, you can confine her to the house, you can stop her from working entirely, but you still can't protect her from death."

"You know as well as I do that I'm going to die, you're going to die, Rachel is going to die. Intellectually I know you understand that, probably more than most of us do. But because you had to nurse Maggie, and hold her in your arms, and watch her die, at a time in your life when the two of you should have been holding your babies in your arms, and planning your future together, you've become paralysed with fear. You are emotionally fearful."

"Don't think for a moment that I don't know what you go through some nights. I know you've thrown yourself into your work. I know that drinking too much and blocking out your pain with sex has been your way of coping, but that's because I've known you for years. I know you and I understand you and I was there when Maggie left you and I know what it did to you. But Rachel doesn't Jake, she won't truly understand you until you actually talk to her and explain to her about the fear that still hunts you down."

"She's the one who won't talk though, Anna."

"You say that Jacob, but how much time do you spend talking to her and how much time do you spend mulling all this over in your own head. When have you talked to her about Maggie? Have you really told her how it's affected you? Does she know about the dreams? Does she know that you don't sleep because you still can't bear going back there again? Does she really understand your pain and your fear?"

He shrugged, shook his head slightly.

"You need to talk to her first Jake. If you talk to her, really talk to her, open up to her, show her the pain that's etched deep into your soul, then she will begin to understand. She loves you, she wants to understand you but if you pull another performance like the other night you'll just push her away."

"And Jacob," she lifted his chin and made him look her in the eye, "you can't tell her that she has to give up her job again. That has to be a decision that she makes on her own. And I can guarantee that she won't make that decision until you've made a proper commitment to her."

He frowned. "What do you mean by a proper commitment? She knows I love her, she knows I loved her for months before we got together, she knows that I'm prepared to leave the FBI for her, she knows she's the only woman I've ever brought to the beach house, she knows that I think about the children we'll have together, she knows I have a tattoo for her."

"You got another tattoo?" She looked surprised.

He pulled out his shirt from his belt slightly and hitched it up a little so she could see the infinity symbol on the side of his ribs.

"Infinity." She put her face into her hands and sighed. "Oh Jacob, what the hell goes on in your head sometimes." She looked at him intently.

"Jacob, have you asked her to marry you?"

"No." He frowned.

"If you want her to know how much you really love her, if you want her to make career choices with you in mind, if you truly want her, then commit to her properly. And I don't mean by getting a fucking tattoo. Jesus Christ, how old are you, 16?"

"We've only been seeing each other for a few months Anna. I don't want to scare her off by getting too serious too soon."

"And you don't think the stunt you pulled the other night might scare her off? Good god Jacob." She took a drink from her wineglass. "If you're serious enough to talk about children, if you're serious enough to expect her to take a different job, if you're serious about having loved her for that long, then you need to show her that you're serious enough to marry her. You met and married Maggie within the space of 6 months, she probably knows that. You can't expect a single woman in her mid 30's to give up her career for a man who may or may not be serious about her. For goodness sake Jacob, you can't really expect her to give up her career even if you do marry her."

He shook his head. "I don't expect her to give up her career though. I just want her to take a less dangerous job."

"But _life_ is dangerous Jake. Maggie didn't die at the hands of a crazed criminal or because she contracted some bizarre virus. Stopping Rachel following her dreams is not going to keep her safe. Come on, you're an intelligent man. You and I both know we could both be dead before the end of this meal. That guy over there," she nodded towards a business man on her left with a briefcase at his feet, "could have a bomb in that case. Your plane could go down on the way to Geneva, I could have an anaphylactic reaction to a bee sting, Rachel could contract swine flu from someone she sits next to on the train on the way to her new office job. I don't need to tell you this. You know all this."

"What you need to do though is to get over this paralysing fear. Let it go Jake, let the guilt and the fear go. Let Maggie go. She would hate to know that her death was affecting your life like this."

"She was my very best friend in the world Jacob. I knew her since we were 10 years old. I miss her too. But I know her, and I know that her greatest desire would be to see you happy. I've already told you that she asked me to look after you. To help you get through. Leaving you tore her apart because she knew exactly how you'd react; she knew how you would internalise all this stuff. She knew there was a good chance that you'd destroy your life."

She reached over to him and held his face in her hands. "Let go of the fear Jake. Give Rachel a chance. Give her a chance to have a normal relationship without having your wife's death hanging over everything you do and say. Enjoy it Jake, enjoy your life, enjoy falling in love, and enjoy the opportunity you've been given. Enjoy her and don't ever, ever try to manipulate her the way you did the other night."

She looked into his deep green eyes. His lips twitched as he searched for something to say, but in the end, he said nothing.

They finished their meals in silence.

"You can say quite a lot in a short time can't you Anna?" he said finally as the waiter removed their plates.

"I can talk 'til the cows come home Jacob, but it's all a waste of time unless you actually hear what I'm saying"

******

Their desserts were delivered to the table. Jacob reached over and took her spoon in his hand, cracked through the crust on her crème brulee and fed her the first spoonful of the silky custard.

"What did I do to deserve a friend like you?" he said. "How can a woman who is so very, very sexy be so very, very wise?"

"I'm asking myself a similar question," she replied laughing. She reached over to his cheese platter and plucked a grape off its stem. Popped it into his mouth, letting her finger linger long enough for him to brush it with the tip of his tongue.

"How can a man who is so very, very sexy be so very, very stupid?"

Later, when they reached the door of his room, he slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her close to him. He bent his head and buried his face into her hair before kissing her gently on the lips. "Stay with me Anna, I don't want to be alone tonight."

She reached up and ran her hand down his face before kissing him back lightly. "I'll stay with you and talk with you a while, but no sex Jacob."

"I know." He looked at her with concern, "you do know it's not about the sex, don't you Anna. I really don't want you thinking that's what I came all this way for. I just needed to be with you." He buried his face in her hair again. "I'm just so sad. I'm just so very sad that it's come to this and I don't know what to do about it. I can't believe things can have disintegrated like this so quickly. But it's like we've never addressed anything serious in the whole time we've been together. And now we've had to, I can feel her slipping away from me."

She reached up and placed her hand gently on his head, the other one around his back and held him tightly. They stood for a few moments in this embrace. She could feel his pain and it made her want to cry for him.

Then she lifted his face and held it in her hands, gently kissed the dampness from his cheeks. "Lets go inside Jake, that bed is plenty big enough for both of us and I couldn't leave you alone like this."

******

When she awoke the next morning with his body wrapped around hers, his long leg slung over her hip and his hand around her waist, she wondered whether she was really so wise after all. She adored him, she desired him, she wanted nothing more than to turn towards him and finally let him make love to her.

But as she luxuriated in the warmth of his arms, the feel of his body against hers, and his gentle breath in her ear, she knew that she should lay and appreciate every second of this moment because it may well never come again.

It made her unbelievably sad that their attempts at a relationship had never worked. The physical attraction between them had always existed and they had become close friends since Maggie had died, but that special spark which took sex and friendship to the next level was just not there. At least not for him, she thought ruefully. She knew that love would come to her one day and in the meantime she had to help her friend, this gorgeous man that she adored, to find his way back to his love.

"Come on Jacob," she whispered, "I need to drop you at the airport. You have a plane to catch to Geneva."

******

"Well I believe in the love that you gave me,

I believe in the faith that can save me,

I believe in the hope and I pray that someday it may raise me

Above these badlands, you gotta live it every day

Let the broken heart stand as the price you gotta pay,

Keep pushing 'til it's understood and these badlands start treating us good"


	2. Rachel

I must apologise for landing you with a 6,000+ word chapter but it is split into 4 parts, being 4 quite different conversations with 4 different people that Rachel has over the week, as she completes the weapons training course with Felix.

The music for Rachel's chapter comes from one of _her_ favourite singers and is the song that she has playing on her ipod most nights as she thinks about these conversations. Because there's nothing more likely to guarantee a girl crying herself to sleep than listening to this, alone in her bed.

Soundtrack: Somebody's Crying – Chris Isaak

I know somebody and they cry for you

They lie awake at night and dream of you

I bet you never even know they do

But, somebody's crying.

I know somebody and they called your name

A million times and still you never came

They go on lovin' you just the same

I know that somebody's trying.

So please return the love

You took from me

Or please can you let me know

If it can't be me

I know when somebody's lying

.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

**Felix – Monday 6.30pm**

"That was a fantastic day wasn't it Agent Young? I don't think I've had quite so much fun at work for a long time."

She looked over at Felix's beaming, adrenalin pumped face as he drove, and smiled.

"How about you?" He turned towards her and immediately she could see the embarrassment on his face as the words left his mouth.

"Of course, I didn't mean, I was just thinking about the weapons, I wasn't thinking about you and ………….." His voice trailed off as he realised he was just digging an ever bigger hole for himself.

She laughed, "it's ok Felix, I know what you mean. And don't worry, Dr Hood and I have never had any um, fun, at work. It's all been strictly after hours. You managed to spring us on the one and only time I've ever been to his room in the 3 months we've been seeing each other."

He raised his eyebrows and nodded. "3 months, wow……….. So that would have been about the end of July then, about……"

"Since the weekend that Jacob had the car rollover."

"Ha," he said triumphantly, "I knew something else had happened that weekend. I didn't think he seemed that worried about his car. And I thought you would have given him a harder time about his driving. I just didn't realise quite what had happened though."

"I thought you'd be more surprised when you found out, Felix"

"Nothing surprises me any more Agent Young. I take everything in my stride. And you and the Doc have been working pretty closely for a long time now"

She turned towards him and he shot her a glance as he drove. "We can rely on your discretion, can't we Felix?"

"Oh absolutely, you know you can, of course, I'll be the model of discretion. It's kinda cool. You two make a really nice couple." He grinned.

"Yeah, well, not so much at the moment," she commented grimly. "That's why I'm here and he's in Geneva."

Felix frowned, "oh, trouble in paradise already?"

"Mmmm," she sighed, "we're having a little bit of alone time. There's just some stuff we need to figure out. Like what we're going to do about the job for a start."

"Yeah," Felix winced, "you two having a thing is going to put an end to the dynamic duo of science isn't it."

"Yep, we've reached a bit of a sticking point there. He thinks he should leave the Bureau and I think he wants me to take a safer job. But I can't imagine having to wade through a desk job every day."

"Oooh no, nasty."

He smiled sneakily to himself.

"What Felix?" she asked questioningly.

"No, no, nothing. I was just thinking that's all"

"Thinking what?"

"I really can't say"

"Felix!!"

"Well……………….. I was thinking that maybe you should just leave and have his babies."

She looked at him sharply. "Felix!"

"Just a joke."

"Good." She stared at the road ahead.

"You two would have some pretty, pretty babies though Agent Young."

"I have a gun you know Felix. And I've spent all day learning how to use it more effectively."

"Sorry." He smiled to himself.

**.......................................**

**Jess – Wednesday 7pm**

"Hey Jess," Rachel got to her feet to give her friend a hug. "I've already ordered a pitcher of margaritas and some nachos."

"Oh, thank god Rach, I could do with a drink! Thank goodness I managed to get a sitter. Just as I was getting ready to leave, Rob rang and said he'd be late home. Thought I'd have to ring and cancel, but Georgia from next door said she'd come & sit with the girls for me. They love it when she comes over. It's so handy. When you have kids make sure you have a teenage girl living next door because they come in very, very useful!"

She took a big gulp of her icy cold margarita and slumped back in her chair. "Oh, heaven!"

Rachel just laughed. "You never stop do you Jess."

"What, talking you mean?"

"Hahaha, no you just don't stop, period. It's so great to see you, it feels like weeks since we've been out."

"Rachel, it's been months! You're either working or holed up in that beach house with Dr Sexy. I don't feel like we ever see each other anymore. Thank god for emails, otherwise I'd never know what was going on in your life. You should bring that hunk of a man round for dinner one night or we should all go out. You know I thought he was an absolute honey when I met him at your place. Rob would really like to meet him too. They could talk about fish!"

The nachos arrived and the two girls hoed into them hungrily.

"I told you before Jess," Rachel laughed, "he likes swimming with them and collecting them but he doesn't eat them. I don't think Rob being a fishmonger is going to be much of a bonding point for them."

"Oh well, men always find something to talk about. And if they don't want to talk they can play on the playstation. All boys like that."

"Yeah well, Jake's certainly a playstation nut, and x-box and wii, anything really."

"So where did you say he was?" Jess finished her first margarita and poured another. "Come on, you're slowing down in your old age Rachel."

She laughed, "I'm fine Jess. He's in Geneva for a couple of weeks working on a project at that Collider thing. Something about the nature of matter. I've got no idea what the hell he's doing really."

"Oh, that thing that shoots the electrons round and smashes them together. Aren't they trying to recreate a black hole or something?"

"Yeah, something like that. Anyhow, I'm on a training course this last week and he's still over there for another week."

"Ooooh," Jess said, teasingly, "so are you going to take a weeks leave and go and be his hotel whore? Live it up in Geneva during the day while he's working, and be laying on the bed naked & spread eagled for when he gets back every afternoon?"

"Jess, you're such a slut." Rachel shook her head.

"You know I have to live my sex life vicariously through you seeing as Rob & I are always too busy. And when we do get time, one of the girls is in our bed. I can't believe you can manage to be away from him for two whole weeks though. Last time I talked to you, you couldn't bear to be away from him for two minutes."

"Oh well, things aren't that good at the moment. We had a really big fight actually and well…….." Rachel shrugged.

"Tell me, and don't leave out a single detail, especially about the make up sex."

Rachel snorted, "that's the problem, there hasn't been any makeup sex. We haven't even spoken for days."

She filled her friend in on all the details of the car accident and the fight and the bourbon and the sex.

"Oh my god Rachel. That sounds fantastic. You are one lucky bitch."

"What? It was terrible Jess, He was completely nasty to me."

"Yeah, but the sex Rachel. Why is it that every story you tell me ends up with you two having fantastic sex? And he really made you come by…….."

"Jess!!"

"Oh come on Rachel, you know how jealous I am. Does he have an enormous cock? I remember he had those beautiful long fingers and that normally means, isn't it supposed to be something like 3 times the length of their thumb?"

"I don't know about that, I mean it's big, but I've never measured the length of his thumbs!"

"Oh come on, you can tell me, no secrets remember." She raised her eyebrows, expectantly.

Rachel laughed, "God Jess, it's plenty big but I wouldn't say it was enormous, it's what he does with it that's……….. Jess! I'm sounding as bad as you now. It was a terrible fight. Just because we had sex at the end doesn't make it ok."

"Oh, get over yourself Rachel. Of course you had a fight. You wrote off his car for fuck sake. If I wrote off Rob's car, I wouldn't even go near him for a week. We'd have an enormous fight and I can tell you right now that it wouldn't end up with hot sex."

"What about the job though Jess. Don't you think he's being unreasonable?"

"No love, it's gorgeous. It's gorgeous that he worries that much about you. Simon never gave a shit what you were doing at work did he? He didn't even care when they sent you to Afghanistan for six months for christ sake."

"No, well Simon only really cared about himself didn't he. It was just a shame it took me 4 years to work out that he was a selfish bastard."

"Yeah, well I think you should realise quick smart that Dr Sexy is nothing like Simon. I'm sorry Rachel, but I think you're just being precious. Any man that loves you and can give you a guaranteed orgasm every time you have sex is not a man that you should let go."

"Jess, there's more to a relationship than sex, you should know that more than anyone. What about love and compatibility and trust and friendship."

"What about those things? You have all those in spades don't you? The only thing you're having trouble with is a man who has actually stood up to you and tried to make you understand that your career isn't everything. Come on Rachel, think of the orgasms my girl. Geez, if Rob made me come every time we had sex, we'd have about 50 kids by now. And as an exhausted, married, working mother, I'm telling you that nothing is more important than that orgasm sometimes."

Rachel took a big drink. "Jess! I can't believe that this is your advice. You know how hard I've worked to get where I am. I'm not giving it all up for a man."

"Come on Rachel. He's not just _a man_. Saying that you won't give up your career for _a man _isn't really giving him any credit is it? He's _the_ man who loves you, and it's because he loves you that he wants you to take a safer job. I don't think it's unreasonable at all. And how important is this job anyway. How important is any job? Surely your life is more important than your job, whatever that job is. Take it from me Rachel, once you have his beautiful babies, that job won't mean jack shit to you."

"But you still work Jess, your job still means a lot to you."

"Of course it does, but I'd give it all away in a heartbeat for Rob and the kids if I had to make the choice. And don't forget that when I married Rob I did give up my career. And it was the best thing I ever did leaving the police force. It was because of him and the girls that I went back to college and studied vet science. And you know I love it. It's hard work and it's hard to juggle shifts and the girl's ballet lessons and soccer practice, but I've never regretted it for a moment. And don't forget that when I found out I was pregnant and decided to leave the police for the very same reasons that you're looking at now, that I was devastated. But I know from experience that some decisions work out for the best whether you think so at the time or not."

Rachel shook her head, "I'm still not convinced Jess. It just goes against everything I believe."

"Hey, I know, lets make a Dr Sexy yes/no list to help you decide what to do!"

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Jess, we're not 14 anymore. The list doesn't work for everything you know."

"You tell me one occasion when it hasn't worked Rach."

She put her hand in her bag and pulled out a notebook and a pen. She drew a line across the top and another down the middle of the page. On one side of the line she wrote the heading 'Yes' and on the other side 'No.'

"Now you know the rules of the list. If there are more yes's than no's then you have to accept the ruling. And remember, the list never lies!"

Rachel shook her head.

"Ok, I'll list the yes's and you can tell me if you don't agree. 'Good looking, Intelligent, Caring, Good in the sack, Can cook, Kind to animals, Wants children, Sense of humour, Owns his own house, Good career, Fabulous Eyes, Can dress himself, Can make his own bed, Has a sexy seahorse tattooed on his ass, Gives Rachel orgasms'."

Rachel rolled her eyes and poured them both another drink.

"Ok, what about the no's, 'Wants you to get a safer job, Slightly damaged, Doesn't eat fish, Internalises issues, Has an abnormal fascination with monkey brains, Sometimes drinks too much and then gives Rachel orgasms', anything else?"

Rachel sighed and stared straight ahead. "I'm not having anything to do with the list, Jess."

"Well I'm sorry Rachel, but I'm afraid the list has spoken. You quite obviously need to do what that gorgeous man says. Good lord, you should leave the FBI and marry him and have his babies. Lots of babies. Come on my love. You're not getting any younger and if there is one thing that I can guarantee you, it's this. If you push this man that you love away, and you don't have kids simply for the sake of your career, then you'll live to regret it. You aren't anti-children Rachel, I know some people make a conscious decision not to have kids, but you're not one of them. And if you just don't get around to having any, before you know it you'll be too old. You're already 35, Rachel. Your fertility will start plummeting through the floor soon and you'll regret that for the rest of your life. It's time to choose life Rachel. Because in the end the FBI will suck you in and spit you out when it's finished with you."

Rachel sighed, "I don't know Jess. I don't feel old. I don't feel like I should be making decisions with my uterus. But the more you talk about him, the more I miss him you know."

"Of course you do sweetheart. You love him. I know you love him. And you probably haven't been this long without an orgasm for several months have you. No wonder you miss him. Geez, I miss him just thinking about it. Do you think I could borrow him every now and then? I'd lend you Rob. He's good at filleting a salmon."

Jess leant back in the chair and put her hands to her face. "Oh my lord, it's that tongue isn't it. Now I remember. He had that great big broad tongue didn't he? Shit, I'm not going to be able to look him in the eye next time I meet him."

Rachel rolled her eyes, "Jess…….."

"Now lets get another pitcher of margaritas, and order some more food. All this thinking about sex has made me hungry. And horny. My poor husband isn't going to know what hit him when I get home tonight. And I'll be thinking about Dr Sexy and his fucking fantastic tongue the whole time…….."

"Jessica!!"

**.....................................**

**Frank – Thursday 8pm**

"Director Fuller," Rachel walked into his office and shook the Director's outstretched hand. "Thank you for seeing me at such a late hour."

"That's perfectly ok Agent Young. You know I always work late. And I'm always available to meet with you. Now, how can I help you?"

"Well Director, it's about Dr Hood."

He nodded, "go ahead."

"Well I don't really know how to approach you about this. But I'm aware that you and he met a few weeks ago at the Cosmos Club. And since then he hasn't quite been himself and I was wondering if there's anything I should be aware of. I don't want to intrude if it's a personal matter, but as his handler I am concerned about him."

Frank raised his eyebrows and looked at her in surprise. "You're concerned about him as his handler."

She nodded.

"And have you not approached him directly about this matter?"

"Well, I have broached the subject a couple of times but he appears to be reticent to discuss anything with me, sir."

"I don't really feel that I should be revealing to you something that Jacob and I discussed confidentially, Rachel."

He pursed his lips, stared at her intently.

She looked back at him.

"But on this occasion, I think I will tell you. Because to be quite honest, I'm a little taken aback that Dr Hood has chosen not to speak to you about the matter we discussed."

She raised her eyebrows, questioningly.

"We discussed you, Rachel."

"Me?"

"Yes, you………………… and he."

She drew breath sharply.

"Sir?"

"I think you know what I'm referring to Agent Young. We discussed you and he. And your relationship. And no, I don't mean your relationship as his handler. I mean your personal relationship."

She nodded.

"Rachel, as keen as I am to see Jacob happy again, you must know that the two of you can't continue to work together. I had expected him to discuss this issue with you by now."

"I hope I'm not speaking out of turn Director Fuller, but I do believe that Dr Hood may be considering the non renewal of his contract. I understand that it expires at the end of next month."

"Indeed." He frowned. "That would be a shame. I would hate to lose his experience and expertise."

She nodded. "I agree Director. The work he's done for us has been phenomenal in my opinion. It would be a loss to the FBI."

"How about you though Agent Young. Are you planning to depart the Bureau as well?"

"No sir."

"And can I take it that you are happy to stay with the Executive Protection Detail?"

"Yes sir"

"But you understand that whether or not Dr Hood renews his contract, that you will be assigned to another protection detail."

"Yes sir."

"Have you finished the Advanced Weapons training course?"

"Almost sir, Felix and I will complete the course tomorrow."

"So are you back on duty next week or are you taking some leave to travel to Geneva?"

"No sir, I have no plans to go to Geneva."

He raised his eyebrows. "Ok then, I'd like you to work with the Deputy Director for the next week commencing on Saturday. She's short of staff for a while as some of them are attending next weeks session of the course you are completing. I believe she may be flying to Chicago on Saturday so I suggest you check in with her office after you leave here."

She nodded.

"But after Dr Hood returns from Geneva, we will need to discuss your future. I suggest you give it some thought Agent Young and you may wish to discuss this matter with him. You must understand however, that now this matter has been made official that you will not be assigned to any more cases with Dr Hood."

Rachel's heart sank. She'd obviously made the wrong decision coming here. She had hoped the Director would be a little more lenient given his relationship with Jacob. She'd somehow hoped that he'd give them permission to continue working together based on their perfect clean up rate.

"Thank you Director Fuller."

"Thank you Agent Young. I'll look forward to meeting with yourself and Dr Hood in a couple of weeks. I strongly suggest that the two of you discuss what outcome you would like to achieve, before that meeting takes place."

He stood and showed her to the door. He offered her his hand and as she shook it, he looked her in the eyes. "Jacob is a close friend of mine Rachel, I think you know that. I want nothing more than for him to be happy but I am constrained by the guidelines of the Bureau. If you can come to me with a suitable proposal for the future I will do my very best to accommodate you both, but you really need to put some thought into it."

"Thank you sir."

He put his hand on her shoulder and smiled. "Don't worry Rachel. You know as well as I, that Jacob will make a mountain out of a molehill about this. But you and I are FBI people, we'll work it out."

**...............................**

**Anna – Friday 6pm**

Rachel's phone buzzed in her pocket. She flipped it open and read the text message.

"Could I meet with you to talk about Jacob? Am quite worried about him. In town for conference. If poss, please meet me in bar of Willard 6pm. Anna Yang."

Rachel frowned. What reason would Anna Yang have to be worried about Jacob?

She texted back, "Ok, will c u then."

She looked at her watch, grateful that they had finished early on the last day of training.

Rachel got to the bar a little before 6 and ordered a bottle of white wine with two glasses. She had spent the last little while worrying about what Anna might say to her. What could she know about Jacob that Rachel didn't? Had something happened to him in Geneva? Surely she'd be informed of anything like that through normal FBI channels. Surely the Director would have let her know.

She found a quiet table at the back of the lounge. If it was some kind of bad news she didn't want to embarrass herself at the bar by bursting into tears or making a scene. Better to be out of the way. She drummed her fingernails on the table. Anna was late. Rachel hated people who weren't on time. Especially when they had been the one to set the time in the first place.

At 6.10, Rachel saw Anna Yang walk through the door of the bar and look around briefly before spotting Rachel sitting at the table. She walked towards her or rather floated across the floor, Rachel thought to herself. She was immaculately dressed in a beautiful burgundy coloured blouse and dark pants. She was very tall and very slim and very exotic. Rachel suddenly felt rather small and plain next to her with her hair pulled back into a pony and dressed in her standard FBI work outfit.

Rachel got to her feet and the two brushed cheeks in greeting. They both sat down.

"Thanks for seeing me at such short notice, Rachel. I know you've had a busy week."

She noticed that Anna's face was open & kind, her brown eyes soft and understanding, and Rachel relaxed a little.

"That's ok Anna, you've got me worried though. I thought something had happened to Jacob. Would you like some wine?"

"Just a half a glass thanks. These glasses are so big."

Rachel poured the wine.

"No, as far as I know he's fine, having fun in Geneva with his science buddies, messing around with their big new toy."

Rachel laughed, "exactly what I was thinking. They never really grow up do they. Just swap one toy for another."

Anna smiled, "in a way, that's what I wanted to talk to you about Rachel. About the fact that boys never really grow up."

Rachel frowned slightly, "now I am intrigued."

She reached over and touched Rachel gently on the arm. "I know about the fight you had Rachel. I don't know if you're aware, but Jacob flew over to Stanford on his way to Geneva."

"But California is the complete opposite direction to Europe," Rachel interrupted, frowning.

"I know," she nodded. "Said he wanted to check in with me and spend some time with Tanner. And he told me everything."

Rachel looked at her, eyebrows raised. "Surely not."

"Everything Rachel. Every gory detail."

She sat, stunned. "Why would he………? I don't understand………"

"Because he's desperate Rachel. He came to me because he's desperate and scared and sad. And I think he finally needed to talk, well listen to me talk anyway, about Maggie and how her death is still affecting his life."

"I thought he seemed to have coped quite well with his past, in the circumstances anyway," Rachel countered.

"That's what he wants you to think. He gets away with fooling everyone because he's handsome and tall and efficient and intelligent and funny and well presented and successful. But he hasn't really coped any better with Maggie's death than he coped with his rabbit dying when he was six or his fish or his seahorses or his dog getting run over."

Rachel shook her head. "Come on Anna, how do you know how he coped with those things? Surely you're just generalising now."

"You're right, I didn't know him when he was six but I have known him for a long time. It was Alex who told me about the constant trauma they lived with as children as he lurched from one dead animal to the next. Every tiny thing that died caused him major pain, from the smallest fish to the tiniest skink. At least when he was six he cried and cried. But as all small boys learn as they grow up, that's not what real men do, and so they internalise their feelings. But for men like Jacob, men whose hearts beat barely below the surface, those feelings never go away."

Rachel nodded. She didn't really know what to say.

Anna continued. "I really believe that's why he became so passionate about science. I think he sees science as a way to fix things, a way to get answers. I think that's why he gets so much fulfilment from working with you Rachel. He finds the job terribly, terribly hard because of the things you have to deal with, the things that you experience every day, but he's doing something now that he's never really been able to do before, even when Maggie died."

Rachel looked at her inquiringly.

"He's able to use his knowledge to save people's lives. On a grand scale. He can save many more people than a doctor can."

She nodded.

"And that means a lot to him Rachel."

"Now," Anna sat back and crossed her long legs, took a sip of her wine, "I know he behaved appallingly when you two had that fight, he should never have bailed you up about the car like that and he certainly shouldn't have hit the bottle. But I'm going to fill you in on a couple of issues behind his behaviour. He will hate me for doing this, but I honestly don't believe he will tell you these things himself."

"Anna," she said with concern. "Do you really think you should go behind his back and…….."

"Rachel, he's a hard man to understand and if you don't know all the facts it's virtually impossible. I've told him he must tell you but I just don't think he will. It's still all too raw for him and he prefers stumbling around in his own head to actually talking about this stuff."

Rachel shrugged, "well as long as you're sure."

"I am." She paused "Rachel, the corvette was his wedding present to Maggie, which is one of the reasons I think he reacted as he did."

"No, no, no, surely he would have told me that?"

"Well you would have thought so wouldn't you?" Anna shook her head and drank some more of her wine, "but that would have been too easy. The other reason was that he was just really, really scared that you could have been killed and so he covered it up with anger. I've seen similar reactions with parents of children. The child has some sort of accident and instead of the parent holding them and hugging them and being thankful that the child is ok, they berate them for being stupid. It's just a defensive reaction because there is nothing that they fear more than losing that child."

"Even so, he was pretty damn angry"

"He was pretty damn scared Rachel. And that's the main problem here as far as I can see. He is just scared of this whole situation. He's scared of the feelings he has for you, he's scared of the future, he's scared that the two of you are not going to be able to work together anymore. But the one thing above all others that he is scared of, is the absolute reality that he can't protect you."

"I think I need more wine." Rachel poured herself another glass and topped up Anna's.

"Why on earth does he think he needs to protect me? It's my job to protect him for god sake. And I have, several times."

"Yes, but if he's going to let himself love you, if you're going to be a proper couple, he needs to feel that he can protect you. And he feels that so much more because he blames himself for not being able to protect Maggie."

"But how could he have protected Maggie? She had brain cancer."

Anna shrugged. "He felt that science should have been able to save her. He still feels that way. That it was his job to unearth the scientific breakthrough that was going to heal her."

"So he blames himself for not being able to cure cancer."

"That's about it, yes."

"Don't you think that's just a little irrational though?"

"Absolutely Rachel, but that sums him up. He is without doubt the most irrational, rational person that I know. And unless you can understand that, then you'll never understand him."

"Mmmm," Rachel studied the contents of her glass. "I guess that's why I'm having trouble grasping this whole situation that seems to have blown up between us."

Anna nodded. "I think so too Rachel. You're going to have to make a real effort to understand him and you're going to have to cut him a bit of slack."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean about this job business. You both know you can't work together but the thought of you being a handler for someone else is really tearing him apart. He's quite emotionally fragile still Rachel, and the worry of you being away from him for long stretches of time in dangerous situations is a little more than he can cope with right now."

"But I love field work Anna. I've been stuck in desk jobs before and there's no way I'm going back to one. The fact is that whatever I do within the FBI carries an element of risk."

"Well this is something that the two of you really need to sit down and talk about Rachel. I don't have the solution for you. But please understand how much this is hurting him. Don't expect it to be a completely rational conversation in which the solution comes from logic because it just won't be like that. The solution to this problem has to come from your heart."

Rachel nodded slowly, "you've certainly given me a lot to think about Anna."

The dark haired woman drained the last of the wine from her glass and looked at her watch. "I really must be going soon Rachel, but I sincerely hope that you think about what I've said."

She reached over and touched her arm again. "Now I don't want you to perceive what I'm going to say next as any kind of a threat, because believe me, it isn't intended to be. But I seriously want you to go and think about what you want from the future. I know you've told Jacob that you love him, but you now need to go and think about how much you are willing to compromise for him. As I said, he is emotionally quite fragile and if you're not prepared to see his side of the issues and to compromise your position to ease his mind, then I would rather you decide that now and let him go, than put him through any more trauma."

Rachel stared at her a little shocked.

"As I said to you before Rachel, I've known Jacob for a very, very long time. We first met in high school when my family moved from Sacramento to Monterey. We were very, very close – I lost my virginity to him Rachel, on the beach on a hot summers night."

The hair stood up on the back of Rachel's neck.

"But then we both went to different colleges on different sides of the country and I lost touch with him until after we both graduated. Because we were both academics, both doing PhDs, we bumped into each other occasionally at university functions and such like. When he came to Stanton on a research fellowship we got together again for a few weeks until I introduced him to my best friend Maggie, who I'd known since elementary school in Sacramento. I could see that they were perfect for each other so I let him go to be with her and I started seeing someone else. My relationship lasted a good few years and in the meantime, Jake & Maggie married and started living this fabulous life together. It was a little after their 5th anniversary when she passed away. I was still with Cooper when it happened and not long after that Jake disappeared and bought the beach house in Bethany. It was only after he got the job with the FBI that he contacted me again and asked if I would take Tanner because he'd been my gift to them both. Said he'd be travelling a lot and couldn't look after him properly any more. I was more than happy to do that for him. I'd split with Cooper so I began to look forward to seeing Jake when he came to visit the dog. Finally, after months of visiting and talking and dog walking, we slept together again one night and did so regularly after that, until he told me about you."

Rachel sat there stunned. "He had told me that you and he had hooked up once since Maggie died, but that was all. Said that you both agreed it was a bad idea and that you were still friends."

Anna shrugged, "well that was kind of the truth. Apart from hooking up only once I guess. I think he was just sparing your feelings by not telling you the whole of our history. And _I'm_ only telling you Rachel so you can understand where I'm coming from. I'm not just a casual acquaintance of his. Now that Maggie has gone, he's my oldest and dearest friend and you must understand that I've loved him ever since high school. Please don't treat him badly Rachel, please don't break his heart."

She paused.

"But please understand that if you do, I _will_ be there for him and this time we'll make it work."

She stood to leave. "As I said Rachel, this wasn't meant to be a threat. I don't have him in my sights. I don't want him to break up with you. I truly want us both to find happiness away from each other. But I just want you to understand that I will always be looking out for him."

Rachel looked at her, not convinced at all that the dark haired woman's words were not a threat. "Tell me one thing Anna, when he came to visit you the other day, did you sleep with him?"

"We spent the night together in his hotel room Rachel, but I didn't have sex with him. But if he ever comes to me because you've broken his heart again, I will."

..........................................................................

Give me a sign and let me know we're through

If you don't love me like I love you

But if you cry at night the way I do

I'll know that somebody's lying.

So please return the love

You took from me

Or please can you let me know

If it can't be me

I know when somebody's lying.


	3. And We Will Never Forget It

Jacob downed the last of the 10-year-old malt in his glass, bade farewell to the two young ladies who had been keeping him company, stepped outside the bar into the cool of the early morning and walked up the road to his hotel. It was 2am on Monday morning.

In the 5 days since he'd arrived in Geneva, he had settled into an uneasy routine. Into CERN by 8am, he worked a 12-hour day with Bernard, his French colleague. Because theirs was a short term 10 day project, they were on a tight timeframe and had to utilise their hours as effectively as possible. Finishing up about 8pm, the two men went for a meal and a few drinks on their way back to the hotel, taking time to relax and discuss the day's outcomes. Back at the hotel by 10, Bernard retired to his room to phone his wife and get some sleep. Jacob checked his emails, made any necessary phone calls and then left the hotel again about 11, making his way to one of the many bars in the hotel district.

He generally stayed for a couple of hours, in which time he was inevitably approached by a lonely woman or two for whom the idea of spending the evening with him apparently held a great deal of appeal, although he didn't really understand why. Depending upon his interest in them, he would generally extricate himself by about 1am, and return to the hotel for a shower and a few restless hours in bed before rising at 6am for a quick swim in the hotel pool, shower and breakfast.

Such was his glamorous life in Geneva he thought to himself ruefully, as he made his way back to the hotel. Still, at least the two Italian girls he'd been talking to tonight were attractive and funny and he'd enjoyed their company. He'd declined their offer to go up to their hotel room though. He figured he was in enough shit with Rachel after the argument about the corvette, without risking her finding out that he had spent two weeks tom-catting around Geneva. Although the temptation on nights like tonight was immense.

Exiting the elevator on his floor, he walked up the corridor to his room, slipped his key card into the door and the sensor flashed green. His eyes were immediately drawn to a flat package on the floor just inside the door. It was a courier envelope from Washington DC.

Kicking off his shoes, he examined the envelope, tore off the top and slid a smaller envelope out. On the front was written simply, 'Jake'. He knew from the writing that it was from Rachel.

Tossing the envelope on the bed, he poured himself a glass of soda water with lots of ice from the mini bar and set it by the bed, took off his jacket and belt and unbuttoned his shirt. He sat down on the bed to read the letter.

He hoped he wasn't going to regret this.

_Dear Jake,_

_The first thing I need to say, because I can see you frowning right now, is that I've hand written this letter and sent it by courier because I want you to understand that everything I'm going to say is coming from the heart. I know it would be quicker to email, or even quicker still to talk to you on the phone, but email is so impersonal and to be quite honest, I don't want to get into an argument with you on the phone when we are on opposite sides of the world._

_I just want you to read what I have to say and think about it for a few days, and then meet me at the beach house when you get home so we can talk properly._

_The second thing I need to say (which should really have been the first) is that I miss you. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. I miss you in my bed, I miss the feel of your arms around me, I miss your kiss, I miss your face, I miss your voice, I miss you Jacob. I don't think I've ever been so miserable in my entire life._

He shook his head, 'Oh Rachel…'

_The third thing I need to say is how very, very, very sorry I am about the corvette and the fight and about leaving you at the beach house and about not calling you. I'm sorry. I wish I could rewind the whole event, I wish it had just never happened. But it did and there's nothing I can do about it now. But I am so very, very sorry Jake._

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

_And now I need to tell you some things which will probably not please you Jacob, but I feel it's important for us to be honest with each other right now. You know I've spent the last week attending the Advanced Weapons Training Course with Felix, and I've had chance in the evenings to talk to a few different people and to think about things._

_It's probably easiest if I go through the people I've talked to and what we discussed. Firstly, I spoke with Felix. He has no problem with our relationship and has promised to keep our confidence. He seemed quite chuffed in fact. It was all good until he told me I should leave the FBI and have your babies. I threatened to shoot him._

He smiled; he could quite imagine that conversation. Felix was just an old romantic. He'd be waiting for his hearty slap on the back next time he saw him.

_Then I spent an evening with Jess at Alerore's. We had too many pitchers of margaritas and she ended up also telling me that I should leave the FBI and have your babies. She also asked me if you had an enormous cock…_

He laughed,

_…so I've decided not to take any part of the conversation I had with her seriously. Next time I need advice, please remind me that Jess is a shameless hussy who drinks too much. And if she ever offers to send Rob round to fillet a salmon for us while you go to her place, please don't go. I know what she has planned for you._

He raised his eyebrows, 'interesting……….'

_Unfortunately, the next two conversations I had were not quite so amusing. Firstly, I went to talk to Director Fuller._

He shook his head.

_Now before you fly off the handle at me Jake, can I please remind you that I asked you on at least two occasions what you and he discussed that night when you went to the Cosmos Club, but you wouldn't tell me. So I went to see him to sound him out on what you two had talked about. I guess I had suspected it all along, but I was still taken aback when I found out that he'd known about our relationship for all this time. Why would you have told him, of all people Jake?_

He frowned.

_Once I found out what he knew, I wanted to remind him of our fantastic clean-up record and maybe suggest that we could just keep our relationship quiet as we have done for the past 3 months. I didn't end up suggesting this however, as he was quite adamant that we needed to go away and consider our future and come back to him with a proposal._

_He also said that he couldn't assign us to any more cases together so I guess we're finished working as a team. I'm sorry, because it does really seem as though I've put my foot in it with him, but honestly Jake, if you'd just told me in the first place what you two had talked about, then I wouldn't have gone to see him._

_He has reassigned me to work with the Deputy Director's staff for the next week. We flew to Chicago today (Saturday), but all indications are that we will be back by next Friday. I'll be interested to find out why you felt the need to hide the truth from me about Frank, Jacob._

He sighed and took a drink. He hadn't hid the truth; he'd just told her that he wouldn't discuss it.

_And speaking of hiding the truth, the final conversation I had was the most difficult of all. I met with Anna Yang._

'Holy, shit,' he dropped the letter in his lap and rubbed his face with his hands. 'What had Anna said? Why the fuck would Anna go and talk to Rachel? Surely she didn't tell her…' He picked up the letter and started reading again.

_She was apparently in town for a conference and asked to meet me, and I have to tell you that I was completely blown away with the things she told me. Now please don't be angry with her, because I feel she did the right thing by trying to fill me in on all the things you obviously didn't feel the need to mention to me._

He shook his head, 'crap…'

_Like the corvette. Why on earth wouldn't you tell me that it was your wedding present to Maggie from the very start Jake? I don't understand it. It's not like I don't know about Maggie!!! I knew you were married, why would I not cope with being told about your gift to her. If you had told me properly, in the first place, I would have told you that it was a wonderfully romantic, loving gesture. Instead of that though, I'm thinking you're a prick for not telling me. For letting me drive around in that car, letting me have an accident in that car, completely unaware of the significance it held for you. I felt bad enough when I crashed the car, and now I know what it meant to you, I feel like complete shit._

He sighed, and kept reading.

_But that's just the beginning of the things you've kept from me isn't it Jacob? I've also found out that, quite the opposite of what you've led me to believe, that you're still suffering emotionally from the death of Maggie. Now, maybe I'm just a thickhead for not realising it, but how do you think I felt finding out about your emotional state from your ex-girlfriend (and yes, I'll get to that later!). If I'm going to share your bed, share your life, then you have to let me share your heart Jacob. Even when you're heart is hurting. How am I to understand your reactions to situations and events when you hide personal stuff like that away from me?_

He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. 'Jesus Rachel, why would you want me to offload all my problems on you? It would only have upset you.'

_I have to say that I'm struggling to understand you in all sorts of ways right now, Jacob._

_I'm struggling to understand your overreaction to the fact that I will need to be assigned to either another protection detail or another job within the FBI. Plenty of people in the Bureau have relationships and their partners do not lose all grip on reality just because they get assigned to a position that carries an element of risk. That is what we do Jacob. We work for the FBI, not a sock factory. You knew that when you met me, and as much as I now partially understand your motivations (because your ex girlfriend – not you - filled me in), I am still not prepared to give up the fantastic and interesting work that I do out in the field, just so that you can feel in control of the situation. And quite frankly, I think it's very unfair of you to ask me to do that._

_And so we come to the relationship between you and Professor Yang. Now, up until Friday at around 6.30pm, I believed that she was a friend of your wife's who had adopted Tanner for you after you got the job with the FBI. I understood that you and she had slept together on one occasion a few months ago after having a few too many drinks and falling into bed together, but you both agreed it had been a bad idea. That was what you actually told me Jacob._

_But no, thanks to Anna herself (NOT YOU!), I now know that you've known her for at least, what, 26 or 27 years, that you started sleeping together in high school, that you deflowered her (and she you for all I know) on a beach…_

He frowned, 'Oh fuuuuuuuuck, why would you tell her that Anna?'

_… and that you've restarted your relationship at least twice over the ensuing years, AND this supposed one night thing that you had with her, in fact continued for some length of time. And to top all that off, I find that at the first sign of trouble between us, you go running back to her for love and comfort and probably sex, although she denied that you two actually slept together – this time._

_To say that I'm astounded is really an understatement._

_Which now leaves me wondering, where to from here Jacob?_

He drew breath, surely she wasn't going to…

_As I said at the start of this letter, I miss you. But I wonder if I miss the you that I now know about, or do I miss the you that I thought I knew?_

_To be honest with you, I'm going to have to think about that one for a while._

_So please Jacob, spend the next week thinking about these issues, as I will certainly be. I'm going to spend next weekend at the beach house so I can be alone. Meet me there on Sunday as soon as you arrive home from Geneva. Please understand though, that just because I want to meet you at the beach house, does not mean that everything is OK again. I know it's the place we go to escape and be together, to relax and make love, but it's also the place that the fight started and I think we should finish it there, whatever the outcome ultimately is._

_I miss you desperately. I want to hold you, I want to kiss you, but I'm completely floored. I feel lost and alone & directionless._

_I thought I knew what our future held Jacob, but now I honestly have no idea._

_Rachel_

He let the letter drop to the floor and lay back on the bed. After a few minutes he got up and turned on the shower. He stripped and stood under the steaming water for a good 15 minutes. He tried to think but his mind was numb.

Finally he turned off the water, roughly dried his hair and wrapped a towel around his waist. He opened the mini bar, and snapped the caps off a couple of mini bottles of whiskey and drank them straight out of the bottle. He sat wearily on the bed, leaning against the headboard and read the letter again. He sat for a while, breathing, staring, still, until he rolled on to his stomach and lay, his face on the pillow.

Eventually, he fell into a fitful sleep.

His dreams were dark and desperate and erotic and unsettling. He tossed and turned and barely slept. He dreamt of Rachel and of Anna and of Maggie, of love and death and sex and desire.

But the only thing he could remember of his dreams, was the song that haunted them:

"I will come for you at night time

I will raise you from your sleep

I will kiss you in four places

As I go running along your street

I will squeeze the life out of you

You will make me laugh and make me cry

And we will never forget it

You will make me call your name

And I'll shout it to the blue summer sky

......

And we may never meet again

So shed your skin and lets get started

And you will throw your arms around me

Yeah, you will throw your arms around me

......

I dreamed of you at night time

And I watched you in your sleep

I met you in high places

I touched your head and touched your feet

So if you disappear out of view

You know I will never say goodbye

And though I'll try to forget it

You will make me call your name

And I'll shout it to the blue summer sky

......

And we may never meet again

So shed your skin and lets get started

And you will throw your arms around me

Yeah, you will throw your arms around me"

.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Soundtrack: Throw Your Arms Around Me – Hunters & Collectors (Mark Seymour)

I usually put the soundtrack at the beginning of the chapter, but I very much wanted this piece of music to haunt Jacob's dreams.

This is an absolute Australian classic, and is the song that many Aussie girls lost their virginity to in the 1980's (yes, quite often on the beach on a hot summers night!!!) and probably still do. There is just something deeply moving & erotic about it.

It's been covered by Pearl Jam and Eddie Vedder, but please, please, please look up the slow acoustic version by Mark Seymour (lead singer of Hunters and Collectors) posted by Lauder86 on youtube (sorry - i can't post in the link here).

I think the Springsteen fans will like this version..........


End file.
